Updated: Jan 9, 2021
Transparency Moment: I've been imagining myself as a mom since I was a little girl. So much so, that when someone would ask me what I wanted to be when I got older, my response - without hesitation - was a Soccer Mom. I envisioned myself being super present in my children's lives, active in PTA meetings, coordinating bake sales...you name it. I even went as far as telling the guys I dated in my early 20s my intentions - yes, team too much lol.
As I got older, Claire Huxtable became the new & improved goal - she was a full-time mom and a successful contributor to her Corporate America job. My vision shifted at this point, and Mrs. Huxtable was 100% the epitome of who Grown Up Dayna was going to be.
IAs you can see, I'd imagined motherhood being this unicorn filled and glitter covered experience right out the gate. What I experienced instead was nothing short of jolting. If I'm honest, becoming a wife right before getting pregnant with my daughter really threw me through a loop. Despite all of the planning beforehand, and those (what turned out to be) crazy assumptions about motherhood, I just was not mentally, emotionally or even spiritually prepared for what being a mom entailed.
I struggled as I found myself trying to figure out how to handle it all. I didn't want to let my husband down....I didn't want to fail my daughter. .. I couldn't let my employer down... my friends, other family members or prior obligations. I constantly felt like I was juggling 1 million balls in the air, and it was a battle trying to keep them from falling. In the midst of taking care of everyone else - and everything else - I lost myself.
It took some time, but I finally realized that I was on autopilot...and that I no longer recognized my former self, or knew the person I had become. Acknowledging what I was feeling was the first step, and honestly the one of the hardest. Digging out from that fog - like feeling took time, prayer and basically faking it until I felt I could I could genuinely make it. I'm forever grateful to those who helped carry me through, but most importantly I'm proud that I took the time to make myself a priority...it was something that was long overdue.
Now I’m on a journey of rediscovery, with hopes of learning who this woman is, and most importantly who I’m becoming. It’s exciting and scary... it’s isolating at times as well as I travel through uncharted territory. But I'm starting to get a grasp on things, and I love how that feels.
Ultimately yes, I’m Dylan's mommy...but I’m also still Dayna. And I'd like to think this 2.0 version of her is shaping up to be pretty dope.